When I was 12 years old, we went with a coach for a training camp in a sports camp in Cheboksary. They lived in an orphanage. I remember those faceless room: long narrow corridors, terrible yellow tile on the walls, terrible lighting. Like a hospital or prison. The rooms were 15-20 beds, and the same tables. It was a space in which no privacy and not going anywhere.
The first time he saw the local residents, I asked the coach: “why are these guys all day in school uniform walking change? Their mothers did not for this curse?”. And then he said to me: “first, it is the orphans, maybe they have other clothes just yet, and secondly, they and mom also there.”.
It was my age, and I easily imagined myself in their shoes. Became terribly. Since then I have thought a lot about it.
In 2012, Russia adopted the law of Dima Yakovlev. The law is controversial, I to his attitude, but that’s when talking about orphans. I was already an accomplished man. At least in the professional sphere I succeeded: he started his career in one of the oldest Internet service providers “Zenon”, then there was interesting work at Orange, I led the Department in the company “Rostelecom”.
Of course, it was a lot of specialized training and leadership training. But the most powerful personal growth training suddenly became for me the School foster parents (PDS). And, of course, the children themselves, whom my wife adopted. The first took a two-month Dashu, then one’s thirteen, and a year later, sixteen-year-old Gosha. Children coming into our family has begun to change me. As a person, as a father. With their appearance, I felt more and grow as a specialist. Parenting techniques learned from adoption, work in the business. Talk about the main two. .
Daughters it was quite easy to make – there were more children, and it is good. I didn’t even understand the complexities of adaptation, which was the wife. But when on the threshold of the house appeared gosh, almost a grown man, on a subconscious level I have involved defense mechanisms. At first I could not perceive him as a child, he seemed to me a dangerous stranger. And was acting really weird.
I had to go back to the knowledge that I have received the PDS and work on yourself. I reminded myself that children living in orphanages since birth, lag far behind their peers in family development – deprivation affects the intellect and the emotional sphere. That is psychologically Gaucher 16, and 12-13 years. And sometimes it “rolls” in a very small age, right down to infancy.
Gosh. Photographer Elena Martynyuk.
So he caught up in the development that I missed, living in an institution needs a supportive and safe environment. The best that can be done by the parent for its creation is to accept the child unconditionally.
I did the best I could. Again and again she explained her situation. And was finally able to overcome your fear, which is subconsciously transformed into latent aggression.
Now, three years later, we have a response to the warm and trusting relationships. I realized that I could. And gosh with my help has really matured and become independent.
How the method works in business? Gradually, at first subconsciously and then consciously, I began to apply the method of unconditional acceptance in work, in business communications. His first task when dealing with colleagues, partners and customers, I now see the adoption of them as people. Try not to give estimates, in contrast, create a calm and safe atmosphere; a joke or a compliment relieve tension.
It is clear that the meetings often occur at the peak of the problem – something is broken and urgently needs to save the world. Or if first contact, humans included suspiciousness, doubt. So before you get to the point I consider it my duty to relieve tension. It works. A relationship of trust began to build easily, in the IT field know me as a reliable person. .
About this method of education I also learned the PDS. And then cemented the knowledge by reading books of famous psychologists Ludmila Petrakovskii and Yulia Gippenreiter. The point is simple: when a child does something, it is important to pay attention to its successes and achievements.
In our culture of education, on the contrary, decided to focus on the mistakes.
Well written essay – “well done, five!”. Poorly managed – in addition to the evaluation will receive a thousand and a single comment in the margins of notebooks and with the whole class, unless you are lucky. Why? To have a child of shame and self-dissatisfaction lost the desire to do anything to do?.
Dasha (senior). Photographer Elena Martynyuk.
I realized that it is possible to act differently: when the child is able to talk about it, and in detail, helping positive emotions to build on the success and remember what he did and how. Washed the dishes? “Oh, well, I like the washed qualitatively, and even in places laid out, and wiped around the sink. Hero!”. But if not washed, be limited to a neutral statement of fact “In the sink dirty dishes.”.
How the method works in business? Children are not the first time, of course, but it works. But with adults – again the method I have brought to their work – works surprisingly well and quickly. People of my generation, plus or minus ten years, to put it mildly, are not spoiled by praise. The recognition was subtle victory will give them strength and motivate for new achievements. Besides a man who knows how to appreciate your efforts, always a pleasure to chat and want to respond in the same way. Therefore, the quality of my business communication has increased substantially.
I want to believe that in your company I not only used, but also unwittingly broadcast colleagues these simple but effective methods.
With the arrival of foster children in the family my life began to change. Came the inexplicable lightness, freedom. I felt like the world around is expanding and then he seemed to become more interesting for himself. At the same time with children in life has come and a new job.
Of course, it’s just a coincidence, but on the day when we made the decision about adoption little Dasha, I got a call from Cisco. My wife was in custody, preparing for the trial, and then I was informed that are ready to send job-offer.
This work allows us to devote time to the family. I don’t disappear for days in the office, practicing beloved by many employers program “work you measure fatigue believe”. And at the same time feel on the edge – bring to the world something new, busy is needed.
It is no secret that Cisco is one of the world’s top employers. This position “face to employees,” and all the conditions for a person to not just work, but also engaged in some useful work.
Dasha (Jr.). Photographer Elena Martynyuk.
Today I am not only raising your own kids, but also share experiences as a father and active member of the club “the ABC foster family”. Maybe someone interested. I, for example, helped interview a well-known businessman Roman Avdeev, the father of 23 children, 17 of whom are adopted. Roman Ivanovich founded the Foundation “Arithmetic good”, in which psychologists, educators and other professionals who help adoptive families. And I also important to help those who are in the beginning.
Recently, in response to the question about what I was doing, it became a joke to answer that “I work in a Cisco part, but my main job is father”. In humans, this situation is surprising. But respect too, I will not hide. And once again: I manage to successfully combine the role of father and Manager, primarily because the methods of communication in the family and business are similar. Only had to dive into a new topic, to practice it and learn how to apply the key principles in practice. It was quite possible.
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